After A LOT of thinking, then crying, then thinking some more...I've decided to leave grad school.
I was very torn because I have never quit anything in my LIFE, especially something academic, which has always been my strength, but after lots of soul-searching, I realized that at least for now, psychology is not what I want to do with my life. I love it, I love to learn about it and study it, but it's just not want I want as a career.
So what DO I want to do? I don't know. I'm happy where I am right now, and I know this type of job suits me, so I'm going to develop my skills more in insurance and financial services and see how it pans out. I'm just super tired of being unhappy due to something that I'm confident I don't even want.
When I enrolled in grad school, I was actually just calling to get information, and that three hour phone that developed turned into me being accepted. I never thought I'd be accepted to grad school, PERIOD, so that was awesome. Checkmark for me on my list of life goals.
Then, I was terrified because I'd have to take graduate level statistics. I'd already taken 3 statistics courses (twice each), just barely passing each time. I would NEVER be able to pass graduate statistics!
But I did. With an A-. The best grade I've gotten in a graduate course yet. Another checkmark for me.
But then, what? I realized I accomplished things I never thought I would, and I was proud of myself for that, but there was no longer any appeal. When the going got tough in undergrad, I would say to myself "stick it out! you'll have your bachelors soon enough! Then it'll all be worth it!" and it was. I wanted it, so I stuck it out, and I got it. But I don't want this. So why waste any more time being stressed and miserable when there's not even that prize to be won at the end? That thing that will make it all worthwhile in the end just doesn't exist for me.
My husband says I'm brave. It takes guts to recognize when something is not making you happy and then doing what you can to change it, even if it's scary, he says. I can see what he means, but I don't feel it. Not yet, at least. Hopefully some day.
All I feel is shame that my parents worked so hard to get me an education up to finishing my bachelors (which I did with a 75% scholarship all the way through, but still, it couldn't have been easy for them) only to take my education into my own hands and decide it's not for me. I feel like I will be letting them down. I'm also scared I will regret it later when I have children and it's not easy to return to school should I decide I'd want to. But I have to do what's right for me, and the moment my husband told me he supported me completely and thought I was brave for doing what I was doing, I immediately felt a relief I couldn't even describe.
Since just before we moved into out own place, I've been doing my grad school program. Right after I graduated, we were planning to try to start a family...so when would I have time for me? When I'm retired and too old to do any of the things I want?
Leaving something undone is one of the hardest things I've had to do. Don't think for a second that "quitting" or "dropping out" is easy. It's not. I've been in the game for 2 semesters since finishing stats trying to convince myself that it'll all be worth it, and each day just made it more apparent that I started this whole thing just to prove to myself that I could, not to make me happy in the long run.
It's my life. I might regret this choice later, but it's my choice. And I have to do it.
Again, sorry to vent, I know I don't usually get this personal on the blog, but I had to put that out there into the universe.
On to your regularly scheduled sales posts :)